Results Are In

Well his mom called me tonight and we spoke for 2 hours. She said that he called her last night and told him that she can call me as this is her grandson. Apparently the results came in to him already and he is 99.99999999% the father. I aleady knew this. She said he was happy and was going out with his friends to celebrate. I feel relieved. Relieved that this bullshyt is over. Relieved that he finally acknowledges that he has a song but Im also scared. I have to arrange someone to look after the kids while i go to NYC this christmas. Its a lot to ask of someone but I have no choice.I feel numb at this moment...Just wanted to write this

Today I wanted to talk about what it means to be a woman. For the past year all Ive done is kick myself because Im a 31 yr old woman with a baby for a guy who really could care less about me.. Thathurts but more and more I realize that Im the winner in all this. I had a baby with no support at all. I managed to pay all my bills, rent, clothe my kids, buy stuff for the baby singlehandedly and I did it because of the kind of woman that I am.
I know Society looks upon single mothers as a social pariah..I remember when O spoke about the tenant that lived in one of his parents apartments as having a bastard child and here I am having a child for a man that is out of wedlock. It may as well be 1876.
For me My strength of a woman meant that I was able to do this alone. im able to sit in my house with a little money in the bank and able to sleep well knowing that I did the right thing by my son. O has to face the reality that he wasnt there for me and the baby. He missed out on My pregnancy..he missed out on his sons birth,,,he has missed out on so much. I dont know how this can be repaired when the test comes back. I dont see how possibly we can move on from this because for me...its irreparable...Its something that I really cant fatham HOW to move on.
I dont hate O. I love him...Iknow some of my posts have been insane but i HAVE to love him because if ihate him then I hate part of my son and i adore my son. My son looks nothing like me at all. At first it was really hard to deal with. Here I am a blackwoman and My son looks hispanic. There is nothing in him that resembles me in any way. I felt kinda cheated..I mean 9 months to birth a child that looks the spit of his father...maybe thats Gods way of reminding Me that my son is from me regardless. If o was good enough to lay down with 11 months ago thenhe sure is good enough to be a father for my child. I learned that even at 31..a woman can make serious errors of judgement but when I look at my son. Well I love him and thats real. i have to take care of him..and thats real..and I have to make sure that he grows up to be a man that is worthy of being a man. Thankyou God for helping me to see that out of a confusing situation there is peace. thankyou for blessing me with a child that I love and helping me to see that there is some light after the darkness and thankyou for helping me find the place where I can actually forgive O without recriminations. For being able to say at this time I cant forgive him but Im ready to move on with the process of forgiveness and i have to do this so as to ensure that little o is never aware of the pain that was caused to me.
This doesnt make me a weak woman. Im not weak because I yearn to forgive O but I am strong. The Womanly Strength that I have will help me to forgive O because what he needs is forgiveness. He dodesnt have the tools to process this in a good way. he doesnt know HOW to be whole. Look at his examples...an overwhelming mother and a weak father. Little o isnt going to see that as his examples. Im going to let O be a man when it comes to his son., I want little O to see that a man CAN be a man with a womans support. I want O to know that I will never play games when it comes to his son and i will work as hard as I can to allow O to be a father to his son inspite of how i feel inside. Thats what being a woman means..

I had to add an after thought cause I sounded a little stingy. Its not that I was mad that V bought cake mix but that she didnt buy wisely. She bought tinned vegetables and tinned yams for crying out loud. I would have hoped she coulda boiled a few yams on the stove. Thats nasty. Rather than MAKE cheese sauce for macaroni and cheese...she bought velveeta...and wondered why I didnt want to eat that. I mean what would have been more honest was she said these eggs are for home and this is for the dinner. I know there aint going to be 5 dozen eggs there on thanksgiving. I think she invited people over to eat which is why shes tryin to make it over the top.
The other thing is that she always asks for money . ALWAYS. One of the things I cant stand about her is she asks to borrow a couple of dollars all the time. she makes me feel uncomfortable when it comes to my money. I dont like her seeing what I have because I know in her mind shes jealous. My crib is not hooked up. In fact its broke down tome but I have no intention of staying in this town. Why am I going to buy all this stufff to do what I did before? I gave it all away. Anyways Id rather buy mykids nice clothes and have them look together than buy 100 little things for my crib when 1) Its not my crib 2, Im planning on leaving and 3 I dont wanna.
Anyways that was the additional ps for the blog.

So here I am at nearly 3am in the morning updating this thing. So today me and my girl went to get thanksgiving. I gave her $50 and she was going for the other half. I like v but she can be a little overpowering for me. Shes loud and can be obnoxious and frankly its annoying. So we went over to MArshalls to look for a coat for Me. I get kinda obsessed over stuff and for the past few weeks Ive been promising to buy myself a coat. Ive been fixated on buying babyphat and I saw a really niceleather for $144 but I didnt buy it. We went to some pimp store...well thats not what it was but thats what I cal it. Its the typical required dress store in the hood with crappy suits and hats. if the shop has blue hats then you need to leave. She made me sit there for the longest. nene was fine but still it was a crazy boring store. There was this crazy little dog who was eating this toy teddy bear. It could have been my baby it was chewing up. What kind of people give their dog a cuddly toy to bite up..anyways so we ended up at Walmarts and then v really took liberties. she was wandering up and down the aisle for ages with no direction. She got this huge ass bag of sugar and I thought it was unneccessary. In fact I was pretty pissed with her entire shopping..I mean I threw in for thanksgiving..not for her shopping and it was clear that she was buying stuff to take her through the month and that werent cool. After all..did you need 5 dozen eggs? She bought 3 cake mixes. That pissed me off cause she there eating my food and thats not cool. she doesnt get me at all. I cant wait till i move outta here and I can do what the fuckI wanna do. No doubt she was there for me when I was pregnant and I couldnt have done it without her but she is still overbearing at times and she needs to chill.
We ended up fighting in the store. I was pissed cause my son was waiting an hour at home for me..hes lost his key....and the baby hadnt been changed. It was the first time I just told her....she there moaning about not being rushed and Im there with my nene who hadnt been changed ALL damn day. My son sitting in the cold and she moaning? Thats why I do it myself. I dont need noone. All ppl do is fuck up your shit anyways. I have her car in my garage. I was going to fix it butnow fuck it. It can stay there. Ill buy My own car.
I didnt get the paternity results yet which sucks ass. I want this shit so over. Ahh well leme go as my hands hurting.
Peace!

Last night I spoke to Rio. Ive been speaking to him for a while and he said somethings to me that really blew me away. For one I feel after all this I dont want to be in a relationship again. I feel like I have too many kids and too many issues to be with anyone and Ive been saying this for a while. I think O for me was a fantasy. he was a fantasy for me because for the first time here was a man that I really loved and I do love O very much..i just know that we wont be together. I think hes bipolar because his moods swings are extreme among other things. Anyway Rio thinks I should give him a chance. He wants me to hang out with him. I told him that Im too old for him (hes 24) and thathe needed a girl his own age but he says that he wants to know me and see where we could go. Im kinda overwhelmed because I didnt think any man would want a woman with 4 kids...and I told him what I wanted...which is just a man that willbe a man and let me be me. Im really tired fighting. I just want to be happy with my life and try to find someone that will really care about me. I dont know whats going to happen next but Im sure the future is going to be interesting. Anyways nene is crying so let me feed him and Ill try to come back later.
peace

Well today I took nene to get his shots. The nurse stabbed him in the thigh. I wanted to cry when he cried then I took a trip to break in my new timbs. By the time I got home i was hobbling. My heels is all scraped off. I dont think the timbs are too small cause they are my size but I think that my poor feet cant handle the suede. The things we do for style. When I was out I noticed that people here dont have any style. I live in this hick town called peoria. Its famous for absolutely nothing.Last year in NYC everyone was rocking the jackets with the fur and it seems to have just caught onto people in peoria. So now I need to buy a leather coat tobe one step ahead. People here try too hard to look right. There was this guy who had on some South Pole gear..i mean South Pole come on now..with some payless tims on..he had the cheek to have the toungue hanging out. I was like oh please..people here think they so fly and they arent. I think Im fresh but thats because Im from an innder city and I know what inner city styles are plus I decided to dress the way i wanna dress and fuck what anyone else thinks. I like hip hop inspired clothing. I will wear my jeans and sneaks or tims till they fall in pieces. I love my style..its age appropriate which is another gripe I have..ppl that dress too young for their age. Oh yea O wrote me a letter today. Hes mad at me cause i mailed pics of the baby to his mom and i guess shes tripping. Why he always blaming me for everything. This makes no sense. He said his dad gotta hear all this hot shyt from his mom.All I can say is his pops sounds like a chump and its no wonder O is fucked up in the head if he acting like I did this. I remeber one time I was ogling O on webcam and his moms came in the room and changed her clothes. I saw her tetas and everything and when I said to O your moms...he said she a drunk bitch..she dont care..but i was so shocked cause dayyuym thats your moms and you talking that shy about her.His moms must have done some crazy shit for him to hate her so much but if he hates her why does he care what I do with her? I think O is bipolar. I joined a bipolar group online to try to understand his neurosis but itshard. he always blames everyone for his issues. I never heard O one time say its on him except ONE time when I was 7 months preg and he apologized for putting me thru the bs. I knew once ramadaan was over he was gonna go back to his true self. He a ramadan muslim 2 me. Acting religious for one month like thats gonna make the other 11 right. Im not saying Im any better. Im less than that but at least I dont blame noone but me for my issues. He stupid cause I can take this baby away from him and them and noone has to see him. They all acting like its agiven that Ima try to make nene be in that family but 2 be honest they all sound nutz to me. Some crazy rican family in Queens. Soiunds like a film on lifetime right? Sad to say this is real life. So anyways I emailed him back and immed him with some words. I feel like taking nene and vanishing. he wont be able to find me as he doesnt have my social security number. I mean would I be wrong for running off with the baby? All I ever wanted was for him to acknowledge he had a son. I dont even think Ima put him on the birth certificate anymore because hes such an ass I dont want him having no legal rights over nene. Ok me gone!

So took the baby to the DNA place today for the paternity test. The woman must have been 105 years old and the office was musty smelling. Im suprised she knew where the packet was because the place was full of junk. I felt as if I was in an episode of Maury...all we needed was a few cameras and an after shot of Me flailing arms rolling around on the phone saying Noooooooooooooooo!..well thathappened later on but well get to that.
So she swabs baby...he didnt wake up for it but i see that theres no way that i could have done it right. It felt like a dentist was up in my mouth.She photocopied my id and took thumbprints for myself and the baby then she took a picture with a poloroid. I have to say that me and nene looked pretty damn cute in that picture. I was surprised. Then that was it so its done. Its gong to take another 2 weeks but at least we can say this is done. Im not going to email O anymore because this is the logical conclusion of this entire saga. Its time to start enjoying little o...and he gave me the BIGGEST grin today..Ok so after leaving the lab I was walking with the baby strapped on me..I love wearing the harness and then my ankle gave way. I fell to the ground..Myknee hit first and then I used my elbow to protect nene but he stillhit the sidewalk. I was in shock. I literally rolled around on the floor. I was talking to Aamina on the fone and she heard the whole thing..me cussing and screaming...funny how the phone never fell from my hand....lol...anyway so Im a lil sore but nene seems fine.
So thats all for today.

To My Son

Like a phoenix rising from the flames
a journey without a name
a dream without an end
Upon My Lord i do depend

Child of Mine with eyes so bright
Creation..precious...perfection so right
Abstract moves..so smooth...so true
My love for you will never lose.

protection ..caring...nurturing care
i will never leave you....Ill be here
My love..My angel..My shining heart
Your life with me geared to start

I love you.

Its 4 am and I havent been able to sleep for hours. Maybe its the test in the morning thats making me feel jumpy..regardless I feel a little clearer now. After this test is done Im going to walk away from Omar and his family. Im tired of drama and I feel it would be better for me and the baby to just let them go head with their lives without us messing up whatever it is that they have. Omar missed out but I look at our son and I know that this was all worth it. I know that no metter what anyone says this child was borne out of love and if it was just my love then thats ok..because my love is enough for our son. Now I undersdtand why peiple say he was just a sperm donar because thats what he was. Hes not a father,,hes not even a daddy. He is genetically attached to my son but other than that he has no real connection to him and thats ok. My son has me and Im a good mommy. I can still turn life around to benefit ll of my kids and thats what Im going to do. thank you God for helping me to find my way through this hard time.

Fuck All Of Em!

Well last night O was on messenger but he wasnt talking to me. I dont know why i put myself through it...i called him moms to see if she could find out about paying for this test and now I feel like fuck all of them. Noones seeing my baby. Im going to do the DNA no matter how humiliating it is for me..ima do it but I swear hes not going to see the baby. Imagine I was going to take the baby up to NYC for them. Fuck them if they wanna see him they can come here but Im taking him no where. His moms didnt even know who I was. Oh well O...i hope your satisfied with this. This is what you wanted.

Flow.....

How can you ever understand the way you made me feel?
Pain like this would take a century to heal,
The nights I woke up with tears streaming from My eyes
Leaving a pool of tears as an expression of My demise.
When he moved in me...i wished you were here
I wanted to call you at 3am but I knew you didnt care
In my mind i created a fantasy of what it should have been
Me you ..our new son to be..everything..a real family
But id look around and see what was the hard reality
That there was no us ..nothing else....a single one just me.
So he was born and you never knew....I didnt know if you knew
I sat and waited for a sign ..it should have come through
but nothing..no word until 4 days later you said wow
and i thought is that all you have to say...no words..i mean how..?
a test is in the air....a humiliating testimony of what happens whgen things go wrong
and the end is in the sight...My pregnancy swan song
A new chapter, a new page...a new verse in this sonnet
and I hope that the conclusion is everything that you wanted.

He Was Always Yours

Well I had a melt down earlier and now I feel better. I think its good to cry..I hold so much inside of me that for me tears releases my pain. I think I knowo why I am feeling more hurt than ever, the impending dna test is in two days. This is it. This is the end of a cycle. Its the culumination of 11 months of caution and denial. In 2 days time.....we can finally put this to bed. Im scared as to what happens next. He always said if thats my baby then you will be good but what does that mean? Does that mean he wants to raise the baby with me? Does that mean hes going to force himself into a relationship with me for the sake of the baby and if thats the case...what does that say about me..i mean its obvious that he doesnt like me or respect me..how can he just jump into being a parent with me when he didnt even take the time to know me. He thinks he knows me soo well. Imean he doesnt know that my favorite meal in the world is cheese on a really good bread with some olives maybe. He doesnt know that I cant watch ET without crying or that I love to write poems. He has no idea what I have been through or what it took for me to have our son. He thinks that I never wanted my kids to go to their father..he doesnt know that my ex wont talk to me and that my ex thinks im married and is waiting for my new husband to call him to arrange all this. He thinks its all about him. His mom sounded so sweet. I want to call her but I wont until she can be sure that this is her grandson. I mean he is her grandson now. thank God that we are in 2005 where we can prove these things scientifically because back in the day it just werent going to happen. I love Omar still. I wish I didnt maybe thats why it hurts so bad because i want to hate him but I cant hate him. I love him but I know I will never be with him because this kind of hurt..I cant recover from with him. Its going to take someone else to love me..to heal my pain its going to take someone who truly wants me to find me and free me from this hatred because as much as i love him i hate him also. But Im so drained from all this. Sometimes I look in the mirror and hate myself..its strange. Anyway thats what was on my mind.

Today all I did was cry from the morning until the end and so I decided rather than walk around the house like some snivelling mess ..Im going to write down whats bothering me and hopefully i can figure out how to find some clarity. First off I am angry at Omar..I mean i went through nine months of pregnancy and here I am with a 2 months old baby and he has never seen his son. I feel like a statistic..like one of those women thats on those baby daddy shows where the man disses her and then she falls out on the floor screaming,"Seee I told ya!". its sad. Im 31 with 4 kids, not really skilled in anything because of the political situation no thanks to my ex husband and Im about to be a single mother of the highest degree. Im angry that he doesnt feel that a child is important. Im embaresed that I got caught in the worst way and I feel guilty got feeling guilty. ten years ago I was living in saudi arabi totally covered up and now Im the single mother of a son born out of zina. My deen is so fucked up..I dont know whether Im coming or going. I used to think I had it all and now I feel like I have nothing. My ex husband is a well known speaker in the muslim community. I had theburden of being his ex wife for so many years and now I have to hide the fact that I have a child out of wedlock by lying and saying Im married. Do you know what that feels like to have to lie all the time to protect yourself from the way that people look at you? Already I know people do not beleive me after all...no man is that busy...it sucks. I hate omar for this soo much but i hate myself more for being in this situation. Am i going to end up with 8 kids and living from hand to mouth. Iguess its a blessingthat I cznt get welfare because if I could then maybe my fate would be sealed but i have to make that money so I dont have a choice. Since my baby was born I never had any rest at all. Justhustle hustle hustle and its hard......
Brb

Today was the day that the letter finally came giving me an appointment for DNA. It was wierd seeing it in black and white. This whole thing has played off lke some Maury shit. Whos the motha fukking daddy! Well at least in three weeks time he can shut the fuck up and quit saying hes not sure. Its been his emotional crutch from the start....My moms called from Lndon...she thinks I should kick Omar Sr to the kerb...Well see..
Peace