Today I wanted to talk about what it means to be a woman. For the past year all Ive done is kick myself because Im a 31 yr old woman with a baby for a guy who really could care less about me.. Thathurts but more and more I realize that Im the winner in all this. I had a baby with no support at all. I managed to pay all my bills, rent, clothe my kids, buy stuff for the baby singlehandedly and I did it because of the kind of woman that I am.
I know Society looks upon single mothers as a social pariah..I remember when O spoke about the tenant that lived in one of his parents apartments as having a bastard child and here I am having a child for a man that is out of wedlock. It may as well be 1876.
For me My strength of a woman meant that I was able to do this alone. im able to sit in my house with a little money in the bank and able to sleep well knowing that I did the right thing by my son. O has to face the reality that he wasnt there for me and the baby. He missed out on My pregnancy..he missed out on his sons birth,,,he has missed out on so much. I dont know how this can be repaired when the test comes back. I dont see how possibly we can move on from this because for me...its irreparable...Its something that I really cant fatham HOW to move on.
I dont hate O. I love him...Iknow some of my posts have been insane but i HAVE to love him because if ihate him then I hate part of my son and i adore my son. My son looks nothing like me at all. At first it was really hard to deal with. Here I am a blackwoman and My son looks hispanic. There is nothing in him that resembles me in any way. I felt kinda cheated..I mean 9 months to birth a child that looks the spit of his father...maybe thats Gods way of reminding Me that my son is from me regardless. If o was good enough to lay down with 11 months ago thenhe sure is good enough to be a father for my child. I learned that even at 31..a woman can make serious errors of judgement but when I look at my son. Well I love him and thats real. i have to take care of him..and thats real..and I have to make sure that he grows up to be a man that is worthy of being a man. Thankyou God for helping me to see that out of a confusing situation there is peace. thankyou for blessing me with a child that I love and helping me to see that there is some light after the darkness and thankyou for helping me find the place where I can actually forgive O without recriminations. For being able to say at this time I cant forgive him but Im ready to move on with the process of forgiveness and i have to do this so as to ensure that little o is never aware of the pain that was caused to me.
This doesnt make me a weak woman. Im not weak because I yearn to forgive O but I am strong. The Womanly Strength that I have will help me to forgive O because what he needs is forgiveness. He dodesnt have the tools to process this in a good way. he doesnt know HOW to be whole. Look at his examples...an overwhelming mother and a weak father. Little o isnt going to see that as his examples. Im going to let O be a man when it comes to his son., I want little O to see that a man CAN be a man with a womans support. I want O to know that I will never play games when it comes to his son and i will work as hard as I can to allow O to be a father to his son inspite of how i feel inside. Thats what being a woman means..
I know Society looks upon single mothers as a social pariah..I remember when O spoke about the tenant that lived in one of his parents apartments as having a bastard child and here I am having a child for a man that is out of wedlock. It may as well be 1876.
For me My strength of a woman meant that I was able to do this alone. im able to sit in my house with a little money in the bank and able to sleep well knowing that I did the right thing by my son. O has to face the reality that he wasnt there for me and the baby. He missed out on My pregnancy..he missed out on his sons birth,,,he has missed out on so much. I dont know how this can be repaired when the test comes back. I dont see how possibly we can move on from this because for me...its irreparable...Its something that I really cant fatham HOW to move on.
I dont hate O. I love him...Iknow some of my posts have been insane but i HAVE to love him because if ihate him then I hate part of my son and i adore my son. My son looks nothing like me at all. At first it was really hard to deal with. Here I am a blackwoman and My son looks hispanic. There is nothing in him that resembles me in any way. I felt kinda cheated..I mean 9 months to birth a child that looks the spit of his father...maybe thats Gods way of reminding Me that my son is from me regardless. If o was good enough to lay down with 11 months ago thenhe sure is good enough to be a father for my child. I learned that even at 31..a woman can make serious errors of judgement but when I look at my son. Well I love him and thats real. i have to take care of him..and thats real..and I have to make sure that he grows up to be a man that is worthy of being a man. Thankyou God for helping me to see that out of a confusing situation there is peace. thankyou for blessing me with a child that I love and helping me to see that there is some light after the darkness and thankyou for helping me find the place where I can actually forgive O without recriminations. For being able to say at this time I cant forgive him but Im ready to move on with the process of forgiveness and i have to do this so as to ensure that little o is never aware of the pain that was caused to me.
This doesnt make me a weak woman. Im not weak because I yearn to forgive O but I am strong. The Womanly Strength that I have will help me to forgive O because what he needs is forgiveness. He dodesnt have the tools to process this in a good way. he doesnt know HOW to be whole. Look at his examples...an overwhelming mother and a weak father. Little o isnt going to see that as his examples. Im going to let O be a man when it comes to his son., I want little O to see that a man CAN be a man with a womans support. I want O to know that I will never play games when it comes to his son and i will work as hard as I can to allow O to be a father to his son inspite of how i feel inside. Thats what being a woman means..
posted by Dee @ 6:18 PM
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