He Was Always Yours

Well I had a melt down earlier and now I feel better. I think its good to cry..I hold so much inside of me that for me tears releases my pain. I think I knowo why I am feeling more hurt than ever, the impending dna test is in two days. This is it. This is the end of a cycle. Its the culumination of 11 months of caution and denial. In 2 days time.....we can finally put this to bed. Im scared as to what happens next. He always said if thats my baby then you will be good but what does that mean? Does that mean he wants to raise the baby with me? Does that mean hes going to force himself into a relationship with me for the sake of the baby and if thats the case...what does that say about me..i mean its obvious that he doesnt like me or respect me..how can he just jump into being a parent with me when he didnt even take the time to know me. He thinks he knows me soo well. Imean he doesnt know that my favorite meal in the world is cheese on a really good bread with some olives maybe. He doesnt know that I cant watch ET without crying or that I love to write poems. He has no idea what I have been through or what it took for me to have our son. He thinks that I never wanted my kids to go to their father..he doesnt know that my ex wont talk to me and that my ex thinks im married and is waiting for my new husband to call him to arrange all this. He thinks its all about him. His mom sounded so sweet. I want to call her but I wont until she can be sure that this is her grandson. I mean he is her grandson now. thank God that we are in 2005 where we can prove these things scientifically because back in the day it just werent going to happen. I love Omar still. I wish I didnt maybe thats why it hurts so bad because i want to hate him but I cant hate him. I love him but I know I will never be with him because this kind of hurt..I cant recover from with him. Its going to take someone else to love me..to heal my pain its going to take someone who truly wants me to find me and free me from this hatred because as much as i love him i hate him also. But Im so drained from all this. Sometimes I look in the mirror and hate myself..its strange. Anyway thats what was on my mind.