And In The Beginnin....
Ok so Im starting this for the second time because the first time I forgot My password. This blog is for me. Its a way for me to express myself. Im not going to try to be funny or smart. I just want it to reflect me. Later on Ill talk about myself but for now I want to stay on the shit that is moving me now.
My name is Donna Marie...thats my birth name..i changedmy name to Aaishah about 12 years ago when I accepted islam. I used to wear the whole islamic garb..I mean covered from top to bottom..i really believed in islam and everything that it stood for. Now I dont know...so much things have happened since i became muslim and right about now..my life is on its own little journey.
Im sitting here with my 6 week old son behind me sleeping. He is so cute its not even funny. He is the product of one night of loving with a guy that id been secretly(or not so secretly to him) wanting for about two years now. I found out I was pregnant and ended up being pregnant alone, giving birth alone and now 6 weeks on...waiting to get a DNA test to establish that he is the father. I try not to think about the pain that I feel about this because if I do..i feel so depressed that i cant go on and I have 4 kids to think about. yes 4. I was married in islam to a guy that basically left me 6 years ago. i raised our kids against all odds and in a serious situation...but i did it. Now I want them to go and live with him...one because they are getting big and i cant be a man for them..the other because its a time. Im tired....anyways the other day my babys daddys mom called me. I was so chocked that she called. I was floored...she said so much things...she didnt know I was pregnant until her son showed her the email that i had sent from the hospital to say that i had the baby. In a way this all feels so unreal. I cant believe that i have a child for this dude. I cant believe that the past 9 montsh were played out through email and ims. I feel like such a loser for allowing myself to be treated this way and putting up with it. This guy doesnt know what it was like for me..i didnt expect sympathy but i did hope that he would at the very least respect my state. I had to hustle to pay bills. I had to hustle to get everything that I did for my son. he did nothing at all to help me. He told me he couldnt have kids which seems to be a lie. I feel so bad for believeing him and trusting him. I feel that he did everything that he could to deny his son but he calls it caution...I wouldnt mind that if he didnt add stuff to this..but he called me a stalker..he even said he didnt believe i was pregnant and when i sent him pistures of my tummy...he emailed me and told me to stop playing the "hope game" whatever that was and accused me of being with lots of other niggas...which aint true. See I can count the number odf men that Ive been with in the past 6 years and its been very few and when I did have sex with them...well thats all that it was. Yous ee I have very low self esteem..i think Im ugly. I try to bring myuself up but for tha most part..I feel ugly. I have to give myself a peptalk every time I walk out of thehouse. it takes me hours to get dressed just to go to the store..im very insecure and that comes from years of playing second fiddle to my twin(yes i have one)..maybe from my ex husband who never wasted any time to tell me how fat i was getting or how my ass resembled a white womans ass...he stripped my self esteem away. O did the same to me. I would wake up crying in my sleep. I remember when he went off on me telling me about his girlfriend and how me and him could never be together yet he was gonna "be thatnigga' who would run up in me no matter who i was with cause I was his babys momma...i dunno I feel so disconnected with this thing...so totally without emotion now..cause he werent there for me..i cant even cry anymore because hes left me dry of the abilty to cry over him. Thats sad. I used to be so in love with him and now all I want to do is love my son. Im scared of whats in front of me. Im scared that the move i make may be a wrong one but iknow that at 31 its time to take control of my life..its time to be someone for once..Im tired so tomorrow i will writw about talking to O'smom.
Peace!
My name is Donna Marie...thats my birth name..i changedmy name to Aaishah about 12 years ago when I accepted islam. I used to wear the whole islamic garb..I mean covered from top to bottom..i really believed in islam and everything that it stood for. Now I dont know...so much things have happened since i became muslim and right about now..my life is on its own little journey.
Im sitting here with my 6 week old son behind me sleeping. He is so cute its not even funny. He is the product of one night of loving with a guy that id been secretly(or not so secretly to him) wanting for about two years now. I found out I was pregnant and ended up being pregnant alone, giving birth alone and now 6 weeks on...waiting to get a DNA test to establish that he is the father. I try not to think about the pain that I feel about this because if I do..i feel so depressed that i cant go on and I have 4 kids to think about. yes 4. I was married in islam to a guy that basically left me 6 years ago. i raised our kids against all odds and in a serious situation...but i did it. Now I want them to go and live with him...one because they are getting big and i cant be a man for them..the other because its a time. Im tired....anyways the other day my babys daddys mom called me. I was so chocked that she called. I was floored...she said so much things...she didnt know I was pregnant until her son showed her the email that i had sent from the hospital to say that i had the baby. In a way this all feels so unreal. I cant believe that i have a child for this dude. I cant believe that the past 9 montsh were played out through email and ims. I feel like such a loser for allowing myself to be treated this way and putting up with it. This guy doesnt know what it was like for me..i didnt expect sympathy but i did hope that he would at the very least respect my state. I had to hustle to pay bills. I had to hustle to get everything that I did for my son. he did nothing at all to help me. He told me he couldnt have kids which seems to be a lie. I feel so bad for believeing him and trusting him. I feel that he did everything that he could to deny his son but he calls it caution...I wouldnt mind that if he didnt add stuff to this..but he called me a stalker..he even said he didnt believe i was pregnant and when i sent him pistures of my tummy...he emailed me and told me to stop playing the "hope game" whatever that was and accused me of being with lots of other niggas...which aint true. See I can count the number odf men that Ive been with in the past 6 years and its been very few and when I did have sex with them...well thats all that it was. Yous ee I have very low self esteem..i think Im ugly. I try to bring myuself up but for tha most part..I feel ugly. I have to give myself a peptalk every time I walk out of thehouse. it takes me hours to get dressed just to go to the store..im very insecure and that comes from years of playing second fiddle to my twin(yes i have one)..maybe from my ex husband who never wasted any time to tell me how fat i was getting or how my ass resembled a white womans ass...he stripped my self esteem away. O did the same to me. I would wake up crying in my sleep. I remember when he went off on me telling me about his girlfriend and how me and him could never be together yet he was gonna "be thatnigga' who would run up in me no matter who i was with cause I was his babys momma...i dunno I feel so disconnected with this thing...so totally without emotion now..cause he werent there for me..i cant even cry anymore because hes left me dry of the abilty to cry over him. Thats sad. I used to be so in love with him and now all I want to do is love my son. Im scared of whats in front of me. Im scared that the move i make may be a wrong one but iknow that at 31 its time to take control of my life..its time to be someone for once..Im tired so tomorrow i will writw about talking to O'smom.
Peace!
posted by Dee @ 1:47 AM
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