This was written when baby was 2 weeks...
I dont think you will ever truly understand how much you hurt me when i was pregnant. When I first met you I knew that you were the one for me. You were beautiful , calm..I cant describe what it was about you but i just knew that if you loved me id be safe but it wasnt meant to be...it seemed as we were talking on a nice level you would turn away from me. I knew it was cause i had kids..i mean three kids is a lot for anyone so i resigned myself to a life of being alone because i was tired of having to explain to men how things were. Everytime i went to NY I wanted to not think about you. The last time i was up i had sworn not to speak to you but when i saw your name on yahoo...i had to message you......and when you called me i was so surprised..we spoke and made plans to meet for lunch. I was so nervous...maybe i wouldnt remember what you looked like but when i saw you coming up to me..everything fell into place. I felt so shy but i tried to hide it by being outside of myself. Its a trick i learned a long time ago...we went to this pub remember that lady that was talking to us..i swear she had the hots for you...she was just in your face..i was so jealous..i didnt want her to take our time together..too soon lunch was over and you walked me back to the train station...we made plans to meet later on...i remember you pulled my jacket up to look at my ass..cheeky thing....well we met later at 116th..they had a power outtage..i was so scared in that subway..i thought we were going to die..when i saw you i was so happy..you found me...we went back to wandas and were chillin. God I just loved to look at you...remember melanie was asking you mad questions..you made fun of my socks...and i wanted to play in your hair ...we went to get some food....we were in the chinese shop and iw as trying to take pictures of you...you looked so cute in the one that i did catch..anyways we were walking past that buddist temple and you were like..did you see alexander..i was like yea that was great..you said .i got dvds at my house..i was thinking in my head..your house oh wow what does this mean..but i was cool..i asked what you had and i was like cool lets roll.
On the way there you just shut down on me. I was nervous so i was chattering nervously and you just was rough. I was like wtf..what happened so we walked to your house in silence...and i was like ok wtf is up with this guy...we were cool and suddenly he just acting all crazy...anyways got to your house and your dog was loose..or i forgot to shut the door at the basement..that dog sounded heavy and im scared of dogs...so you were like stay there and you put him away..so we in your room and you put the dvd on ..i was tired so i kinda snoozed in the beginning..then i got a sweat pants to wear..i swear i didnt intend to touch your hair but i did and then...well..we made love and it felt so right...you kissed me all over my body after and held me all night...i woke up in the night and you were still holding me..your leg thrown over mine..your arm over me...you were safe with me and i dont care what you say...i never had a man cuddle with me all night and stay there..well i threw you off me cause it was hot and i tried to open a windown....the curtain nearly fel down..i was like o shit lemme get my ass back in bed...we woke up and made love again..it was wonderful. I looked at you when you were getting dressed the bext morning and i said to myself..thats my baby right there but i had to be cool.....
We didnt meet again. I guess youd idnt want to see me...ok I was ok....a week later i had a bad feeling in my stomach...i had oveulated on the saturday and had a bad bad back ache and i knew my period werent coming....how could i tell you...you didnt want anything with me....i thought about not telling you but i knew i had to..so i did..you knew..i remember telling you i gotta tell you something..you were like you pregnant? I was like yeah....and you were like are you sure...i was like yes and you were like get a blood test. I knew something was wrong because noone asks for a blood test...anyways i had no imnsurance...i had to go to public aid to get a medical card and then i sent you a sonoghram.
Im in tears writing this cause you dont know how i felt..when you put me through what you did. Calling me a stalker..and a liar. I didnt deserve any of this. I hardly called you..i tried to stay away from you because i wanted to respect your feelings..noone cared about mine tho. Oh God..I feel so hurt...i cant understand HOW you could do me like this....how you could deny your son...you didnt even know when he was born for fucks sake..and when you knew you didnt even call.
I feel like you dont want to be a father and this is just a game to you. People tell me to give you a chance and i think did he give me a chance...did he EVER consider how i felt. I birthed our son ALONE. I didnt sk him for one red cent ever. Never. When I look at him Im so hurt..how could he deny his baby? I cant get it. I dont think i ever will. He says we have nothing in common...we have a child together so all that shit is irrelevant. he can be where he wants to be, fuck who he wants to fuck..i dont care but our son is what matters. I dont know where this story is going to end...but its starts here with Me and little Omar Elijah Garcia...My heart...
Now here I am typing 2 weeks after we last spoke...if you can call it a conversation....you make me sick. you havent called one time to ask how he was..I think after you saw his pictures you realized that this shit was for real..you couldnt say there was doubt when the reality proved that he was yours......YOURS...This week Im going to send pictures to your parents of their grandson..you took the joy out of a lot of this but you arent going to have that. They can know him if they want to but as for you it doesnt matter anymore.....I wish you luck and love but i have to think about our son and he needs me more than i need to worry about you and your feelings....
On the way there you just shut down on me. I was nervous so i was chattering nervously and you just was rough. I was like wtf..what happened so we walked to your house in silence...and i was like ok wtf is up with this guy...we were cool and suddenly he just acting all crazy...anyways got to your house and your dog was loose..or i forgot to shut the door at the basement..that dog sounded heavy and im scared of dogs...so you were like stay there and you put him away..so we in your room and you put the dvd on ..i was tired so i kinda snoozed in the beginning..then i got a sweat pants to wear..i swear i didnt intend to touch your hair but i did and then...well..we made love and it felt so right...you kissed me all over my body after and held me all night...i woke up in the night and you were still holding me..your leg thrown over mine..your arm over me...you were safe with me and i dont care what you say...i never had a man cuddle with me all night and stay there..well i threw you off me cause it was hot and i tried to open a windown....the curtain nearly fel down..i was like o shit lemme get my ass back in bed...we woke up and made love again..it was wonderful. I looked at you when you were getting dressed the bext morning and i said to myself..thats my baby right there but i had to be cool.....
We didnt meet again. I guess youd idnt want to see me...ok I was ok....a week later i had a bad feeling in my stomach...i had oveulated on the saturday and had a bad bad back ache and i knew my period werent coming....how could i tell you...you didnt want anything with me....i thought about not telling you but i knew i had to..so i did..you knew..i remember telling you i gotta tell you something..you were like you pregnant? I was like yeah....and you were like are you sure...i was like yes and you were like get a blood test. I knew something was wrong because noone asks for a blood test...anyways i had no imnsurance...i had to go to public aid to get a medical card and then i sent you a sonoghram.
Im in tears writing this cause you dont know how i felt..when you put me through what you did. Calling me a stalker..and a liar. I didnt deserve any of this. I hardly called you..i tried to stay away from you because i wanted to respect your feelings..noone cared about mine tho. Oh God..I feel so hurt...i cant understand HOW you could do me like this....how you could deny your son...you didnt even know when he was born for fucks sake..and when you knew you didnt even call.
I feel like you dont want to be a father and this is just a game to you. People tell me to give you a chance and i think did he give me a chance...did he EVER consider how i felt. I birthed our son ALONE. I didnt sk him for one red cent ever. Never. When I look at him Im so hurt..how could he deny his baby? I cant get it. I dont think i ever will. He says we have nothing in common...we have a child together so all that shit is irrelevant. he can be where he wants to be, fuck who he wants to fuck..i dont care but our son is what matters. I dont know where this story is going to end...but its starts here with Me and little Omar Elijah Garcia...My heart...
Now here I am typing 2 weeks after we last spoke...if you can call it a conversation....you make me sick. you havent called one time to ask how he was..I think after you saw his pictures you realized that this shit was for real..you couldnt say there was doubt when the reality proved that he was yours......YOURS...This week Im going to send pictures to your parents of their grandson..you took the joy out of a lot of this but you arent going to have that. They can know him if they want to but as for you it doesnt matter anymore.....I wish you luck and love but i have to think about our son and he needs me more than i need to worry about you and your feelings....
posted by Dee @ 11:53 PM
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