Today all I did was cry from the morning until the end and so I decided rather than walk around the house like some snivelling mess ..Im going to write down whats bothering me and hopefully i can figure out how to find some clarity. First off I am angry at Omar..I mean i went through nine months of pregnancy and here I am with a 2 months old baby and he has never seen his son. I feel like a statistic..like one of those women thats on those baby daddy shows where the man disses her and then she falls out on the floor screaming,"Seee I told ya!". its sad. Im 31 with 4 kids, not really skilled in anything because of the political situation no thanks to my ex husband and Im about to be a single mother of the highest degree. Im angry that he doesnt feel that a child is important. Im embaresed that I got caught in the worst way and I feel guilty got feeling guilty. ten years ago I was living in saudi arabi totally covered up and now Im the single mother of a son born out of zina. My deen is so fucked up..I dont know whether Im coming or going. I used to think I had it all and now I feel like I have nothing. My ex husband is a well known speaker in the muslim community. I had theburden of being his ex wife for so many years and now I have to hide the fact that I have a child out of wedlock by lying and saying Im married. Do you know what that feels like to have to lie all the time to protect yourself from the way that people look at you? Already I know people do not beleive me after all...no man is that busy...it sucks. I hate omar for this soo much but i hate myself more for being in this situation. Am i going to end up with 8 kids and living from hand to mouth. Iguess its a blessingthat I cznt get welfare because if I could then maybe my fate would be sealed but i have to make that money so I dont have a choice. Since my baby was born I never had any rest at all. Justhustle hustle hustle and its hard......
Brb