And In The Beginnin....

Ok so Im starting this for the second time because the first time I forgot My password. This blog is for me. Its a way for me to express myself. Im not going to try to be funny or smart. I just want it to reflect me. Later on Ill talk about myself but for now I want to stay on the shit that is moving me now.
My name is Donna Marie...thats my birth name..i changedmy name to Aaishah about 12 years ago when I accepted islam. I used to wear the whole islamic garb..I mean covered from top to bottom..i really believed in islam and everything that it stood for. Now I dont know...so much things have happened since i became muslim and right about now..my life is on its own little journey.
Im sitting here with my 6 week old son behind me sleeping. He is so cute its not even funny. He is the product of one night of loving with a guy that id been secretly(or not so secretly to him) wanting for about two years now. I found out I was pregnant and ended up being pregnant alone, giving birth alone and now 6 weeks on...waiting to get a DNA test to establish that he is the father. I try not to think about the pain that I feel about this because if I do..i feel so depressed that i cant go on and I have 4 kids to think about. yes 4. I was married in islam to a guy that basically left me 6 years ago. i raised our kids against all odds and in a serious situation...but i did it. Now I want them to go and live with him...one because they are getting big and i cant be a man for them..the other because its a time. Im tired....anyways the other day my babys daddys mom called me. I was so chocked that she called. I was floored...she said so much things...she didnt know I was pregnant until her son showed her the email that i had sent from the hospital to say that i had the baby. In a way this all feels so unreal. I cant believe that i have a child for this dude. I cant believe that the past 9 montsh were played out through email and ims. I feel like such a loser for allowing myself to be treated this way and putting up with it. This guy doesnt know what it was like for me..i didnt expect sympathy but i did hope that he would at the very least respect my state. I had to hustle to pay bills. I had to hustle to get everything that I did for my son. he did nothing at all to help me. He told me he couldnt have kids which seems to be a lie. I feel so bad for believeing him and trusting him. I feel that he did everything that he could to deny his son but he calls it caution...I wouldnt mind that if he didnt add stuff to this..but he called me a stalker..he even said he didnt believe i was pregnant and when i sent him pistures of my tummy...he emailed me and told me to stop playing the "hope game" whatever that was and accused me of being with lots of other niggas...which aint true. See I can count the number odf men that Ive been with in the past 6 years and its been very few and when I did have sex with them...well thats all that it was. Yous ee I have very low self esteem..i think Im ugly. I try to bring myuself up but for tha most part..I feel ugly. I have to give myself a peptalk every time I walk out of thehouse. it takes me hours to get dressed just to go to the store..im very insecure and that comes from years of playing second fiddle to my twin(yes i have one)..maybe from my ex husband who never wasted any time to tell me how fat i was getting or how my ass resembled a white womans ass...he stripped my self esteem away. O did the same to me. I would wake up crying in my sleep. I remember when he went off on me telling me about his girlfriend and how me and him could never be together yet he was gonna "be thatnigga' who would run up in me no matter who i was with cause I was his babys momma...i dunno I feel so disconnected with this thing...so totally without emotion now..cause he werent there for me..i cant even cry anymore because hes left me dry of the abilty to cry over him. Thats sad. I used to be so in love with him and now all I want to do is love my son. Im scared of whats in front of me. Im scared that the move i make may be a wrong one but iknow that at 31 its time to take control of my life..its time to be someone for once..Im tired so tomorrow i will writw about talking to O'smom.
Peace!

This was from the original blog

Let's Start At The Very Beginning....
Aha so what is this?.....yet another blog written by a single mama!!!Am I trying to find a man that can look past the kids that I have? Am I trying to find online superstardom through my words or am I trying to let feelings out that have been repressed thus far...well i guess its a little of all and much of none. Really this is so I can remember how I felt at particular moments in my life. Dont you hate looking back 5 years and kinda sorta remembering momentus moments in your life? Was I wearing the black ruffly maddonesque skirt or the pink shirt at that first concert that I went to in the 80's. This isnt going to be as frivalous as that and I cant even pretend that Im going to be blogging every day but what I can promise is this is going to be a view into my soul . A window into me and my life..and I hope you all enjoy it!As I write this my sons friends are here for a sleep over. They came last night at 7 and still havent left(Its 12. 18 pm! I wonder if their mothers care..I live in a low income community in a small town in Illinois. In lay terms it is known as "da hood". da hood is not the place that middle class white folks raise their kids..it is the place where black folks en masses can learn how to sit on the front porch in groups of 6 at 12pm in the afternoon and give you mean looks when you walk by. I kid you not. My neighborhoodid the kind that you DONT move to when you are seeking a nice area to live in. The only good thing about living on my street is the rent. I pay $495 a month for a three bedroom house. That should tell you everything about where I live. As I sit typing frantically on this pc..i have a newborn baby to my left. Hes sleeping in his swing..my newest addition. His father is sleeping in the bed blissfully..ok ok thats a lie! There Is no father *shock! horror! * well..ok ok there IS a father of sorts..we can call him the sperm donar for now. I need to take you back some months...preferably 9 months ago in a city called NEW YORK. Yea I went up there for vacation. It was supposed to be my adios to the life that I wasnt leading. Ysee i decided that it was time to settle down and act my age..im 31 but please dont tell my kids..ive been 25 for the past few years...well anyways I was in NYC and happened across a guy that Id always had the hots for. Someone that I cared about but was quit contented to live in the glow of unrequited love...unfortunately unrequited love can still get you knocked up as I soon learned. So we hung out and went back to his place...well his basement bedroom in his mothers house*sighs* yes I know red flag red flag right? lol well anyways we ended up making love(my words) or fukin(his) and shortly after...lets say 2 weeks later i found out that I was pregnant.*Runs Screaming!*yes Me Aishah/ Donna..whatever you want to call me for the day..Miss careful and diligent had discovered that I had become a statsitic. A single mother irresponsible enough to have sex unprotected with a casual someone and got knocked up first time! i was devastated. I did not want to be pregnant but I knew that I was going to keep him. Sperm Donar did what was atypical...he questioned whether the baby was his..Im not going to lie..I had hung out with other people in said same vacation and there may have been illegal substances and crazy laughter galore but there was no one that i was having or had unprotected sex with(note the distinction) . When I told atypical male...he decided to inform me that he couldnt have kids. Isnt that just a doozy.Not only am I pregnant for a man that I was a casual someone with but I was pregnant for the kind of loser that did the I cant have kids blah too. I felt crushed. Nothing left to do but wait for a DNA to find out whether he was the daddy..so in that 9 months...I was told I was a stalker, I was obsessed, I wasnt pregnant among a host of other things. I think I called him perhaps 10 times in the 9 months. He didnt call me once. He was happily living the single life and I didnt blame him. By all accounts he had his shorty, 40 and his blunt..what more did he need?...well evidently he needed a house a job and new freinds because i found out he had been kicked out of his home, lost his job and his friends had ripped him off for his money so now I guess he was too broke for that 40 and the blunt but we all know that girls will take care of a man so I suppose he still held onto his girl(aww aint love grand!) So I sweat and hustle making rent and bills while homeboy acts like the 27 year old that he is. greeeeeet..so I had the baby 9 days ago...Its time for the DNA test and thats where I start this.Phew! That was a lotta background right? lol..well anyways here I am waiting to hear froim him..no correction....hoping to hear from him so that he can be a father to his child. To be frank ..I hate him right now. I cant believe I was so wrong bout him. Dont I sound like some old Dolly Parton song from the 70's? Well thats the begiining and in the coming days and months I will add, describe, laugh. cry and even slowly go crazy with YOU My newest best blog friend!Toodles!

This was written when baby was 2 weeks...

I dont think you will ever truly understand how much you hurt me when i was pregnant. When I first met you I knew that you were the one for me. You were beautiful , calm..I cant describe what it was about you but i just knew that if you loved me id be safe but it wasnt meant to be...it seemed as we were talking on a nice level you would turn away from me. I knew it was cause i had kids..i mean three kids is a lot for anyone so i resigned myself to a life of being alone because i was tired of having to explain to men how things were. Everytime i went to NY I wanted to not think about you. The last time i was up i had sworn not to speak to you but when i saw your name on yahoo...i had to message you......and when you called me i was so surprised..we spoke and made plans to meet for lunch. I was so nervous...maybe i wouldnt remember what you looked like but when i saw you coming up to me..everything fell into place. I felt so shy but i tried to hide it by being outside of myself. Its a trick i learned a long time ago...we went to this pub remember that lady that was talking to us..i swear she had the hots for you...she was just in your face..i was so jealous..i didnt want her to take our time together..too soon lunch was over and you walked me back to the train station...we made plans to meet later on...i remember you pulled my jacket up to look at my ass..cheeky thing....well we met later at 116th..they had a power outtage..i was so scared in that subway..i thought we were going to die..when i saw you i was so happy..you found me...we went back to wandas and were chillin. God I just loved to look at you...remember melanie was asking you mad questions..you made fun of my socks...and i wanted to play in your hair ...we went to get some food....we were in the chinese shop and iw as trying to take pictures of you...you looked so cute in the one that i did catch..anyways we were walking past that buddist temple and you were like..did you see alexander..i was like yea that was great..you said .i got dvds at my house..i was thinking in my head..your house oh wow what does this mean..but i was cool..i asked what you had and i was like cool lets roll.
On the way there you just shut down on me. I was nervous so i was chattering nervously and you just was rough. I was like wtf..what happened so we walked to your house in silence...and i was like ok wtf is up with this guy...we were cool and suddenly he just acting all crazy...anyways got to your house and your dog was loose..or i forgot to shut the door at the basement..that dog sounded heavy and im scared of dogs...so you were like stay there and you put him away..so we in your room and you put the dvd on ..i was tired so i kinda snoozed in the beginning..then i got a sweat pants to wear..i swear i didnt intend to touch your hair but i did and then...well..we made love and it felt so right...you kissed me all over my body after and held me all night...i woke up in the night and you were still holding me..your leg thrown over mine..your arm over me...you were safe with me and i dont care what you say...i never had a man cuddle with me all night and stay there..well i threw you off me cause it was hot and i tried to open a windown....the curtain nearly fel down..i was like o shit lemme get my ass back in bed...we woke up and made love again..it was wonderful. I looked at you when you were getting dressed the bext morning and i said to myself..thats my baby right there but i had to be cool.....
We didnt meet again. I guess youd idnt want to see me...ok I was ok....a week later i had a bad feeling in my stomach...i had oveulated on the saturday and had a bad bad back ache and i knew my period werent coming....how could i tell you...you didnt want anything with me....i thought about not telling you but i knew i had to..so i did..you knew..i remember telling you i gotta tell you something..you were like you pregnant? I was like yeah....and you were like are you sure...i was like yes and you were like get a blood test. I knew something was wrong because noone asks for a blood test...anyways i had no imnsurance...i had to go to public aid to get a medical card and then i sent you a sonoghram.
Im in tears writing this cause you dont know how i felt..when you put me through what you did. Calling me a stalker..and a liar. I didnt deserve any of this. I hardly called you..i tried to stay away from you because i wanted to respect your feelings..noone cared about mine tho. Oh God..I feel so hurt...i cant understand HOW you could do me like this....how you could deny your son...you didnt even know when he was born for fucks sake..and when you knew you didnt even call.
I feel like you dont want to be a father and this is just a game to you. People tell me to give you a chance and i think did he give me a chance...did he EVER consider how i felt. I birthed our son ALONE. I didnt sk him for one red cent ever. Never. When I look at him Im so hurt..how could he deny his baby? I cant get it. I dont think i ever will. He says we have nothing in common...we have a child together so all that shit is irrelevant. he can be where he wants to be, fuck who he wants to fuck..i dont care but our son is what matters. I dont know where this story is going to end...but its starts here with Me and little Omar Elijah Garcia...My heart...
Now here I am typing 2 weeks after we last spoke...if you can call it a conversation....you make me sick. you havent called one time to ask how he was..I think after you saw his pictures you realized that this shit was for real..you couldnt say there was doubt when the reality proved that he was yours......YOURS...This week Im going to send pictures to your parents of their grandson..you took the joy out of a lot of this but you arent going to have that. They can know him if they want to but as for you it doesnt matter anymore.....I wish you luck and love but i have to think about our son and he needs me more than i need to worry about you and your feelings....