So here I am after a weekend of hustle...i came on my period yesterday which explains the crazy moodswings and basic craziness. i cried about 10 times yesterday and thats definetly hormones...well i miss o a lot but i havent bent under thepressure...see i realise that its me that im mad at,,,o only talks the way he does to me because i let him. Had i stopped him from the start then he would never feel that he could say the stuff he does but because i have such low self esteem....i accept it.Imscared that if i let him carry on...this is going to be the blueprint for the rest of our relationship so im taking care of nene and trying to focus again and hopefully hes doing the same. Noone really knows howinsecure i am...sometimes i wish i could just vanish because i hate people looking at me..im just uncomfortable with that whole thing...to be honest i cant wait to leave this place...i threw out a bunch of stuff today and tomorrow imgoing to put more out...its time to start getting ready to leave this bum town...
Enjoy this video from youtube...its a favorite and hopefully someone will love it too.

So he finally pushed my last button....we spoke for an hour and the phone died then i called him back and he started up on me....saying i was crazy and i needed therapy...generally being mean....so enough is enough..i deleted his numbers from my phone,i deleted the email account on aol that i wrote to him from...and my yahoo profiles....its all fucking gone and then i put on Destinys Child...My Love and cried..."If I dont pick up the phone like I used to.......dont take it personal"...I mean I love him but he doesnt love me and even if he did think he loved me...he has a twisted concept of love...love to me is not hurting the other person...its easy and simple and blends..if your constantly reaffirming your love to prove your love then it aint love...if you have a preconceived idea of love and anything less isnt love then thats not l ove...
how do i know I love him...well
i want him to be happy even if its not with me.
I want him to have peace
I want him to know that love doesnt hurt and it helps.
Any other time...Id do it but this time....i cant....
sorry o....i dont have nothing left...

NYC ----We Land

This is so sad..ihavent blogged for months and thats terrible...i did this so i could remember how i felt....so much happened.
so I spent the holidays in NyC....It was the first time that id been on a plane since I came to the us in 1998 and the first time that nene was flying..so I was scared a little..the plane coming out of P-Town is very small...I knew it was small when i looked to the left and the cockpit was r ightin my face...the aisle was small and i had to bend down in order to walk through the plane comfortably!! The stewardess had to make small actions to walk t hrough the emergency plan...i was really spooked then but the entire trip to nYC went pretty well..the change at Chicago was swift and the flight from chi to NYc was an hour or so...that beats that 24 hr trip on the bus...i mean to me flying is the way to go even if its a scary experience...so i got to n yc and noone was t here t o greet me...i felt a little dissapointed and i was tripping that O decided to leave me s tranded....two years ago i had gone to nyc and the girl i was supposed to stay with had left me stranded so anyways noone was there so i got the stroller open and went down to baggage where i got my suitcase...i call O and his phone went straight to Voicemail...all i was thinking was oh hell no..not again after all I beenm through but he called me back and said he was caught in traffic so i sat and waited.

i appreciated the w ait to be honest as it gave me time to breathe and think about the trip. I was nervous cause i hadnt see O f or a year and I was feeling rather fat to be honest. I was just mad nervous...anyways after about 20 minutes...I see O coming towards us. He looked nice and was smiling...gave me and nene a kiss and said lets get a cab. It was surreal...hes holding OUR son and pulling My bag and im thinking this is it. We got in the taxi and went to Queens..to be honest i was excited to b e doing the thing at this point and so when we pulled up at his moms house...i was ready. On the ocasions that Id been there..it had been night and Id sneaked in..now i was walking in the front door with a baby to boot. Madness!! So his brother let us in..noone knew that I was coming to NYC so everyone was surprised...J was real nice to me and O went to take the baby straight to his mother.....she was sleeping....they woke her up with t he baby on her face,.....I think she screamed....i dont remember as it was all a blurr....Meting new people...assessing the environment....it was different...so Im in the bedroom meeting the granmother for the first time...wehugged and she cryed.
I have to give it to O...that was the best executed surprise ever....she will never forget that christmas 2005 for sure....so slowly everyone else comes in,..i meet the granpops...sweet guy and the younger brother..and i t w as complete!! Nene was around his puertorican/ecuadorian family and it was a memorable first day. We ate and them pulled out the sleeper sofa....we all slept on the sofa but i have to say it was awkward....for one i didnt know how to be with O and we kinda slept seperated by the baby..but that was about to change for the better....so that was the initial day in nYC. i was there for a week and i promise to write about it all cause there was some real funny shyt that happened there....
blog more later

Results Are In

Well his mom called me tonight and we spoke for 2 hours. She said that he called her last night and told him that she can call me as this is her grandson. Apparently the results came in to him already and he is 99.99999999% the father. I aleady knew this. She said he was happy and was going out with his friends to celebrate. I feel relieved. Relieved that this bullshyt is over. Relieved that he finally acknowledges that he has a song but Im also scared. I have to arrange someone to look after the kids while i go to NYC this christmas. Its a lot to ask of someone but I have no choice.I feel numb at this moment...Just wanted to write this

Today I wanted to talk about what it means to be a woman. For the past year all Ive done is kick myself because Im a 31 yr old woman with a baby for a guy who really could care less about me.. Thathurts but more and more I realize that Im the winner in all this. I had a baby with no support at all. I managed to pay all my bills, rent, clothe my kids, buy stuff for the baby singlehandedly and I did it because of the kind of woman that I am.
I know Society looks upon single mothers as a social pariah..I remember when O spoke about the tenant that lived in one of his parents apartments as having a bastard child and here I am having a child for a man that is out of wedlock. It may as well be 1876.
For me My strength of a woman meant that I was able to do this alone. im able to sit in my house with a little money in the bank and able to sleep well knowing that I did the right thing by my son. O has to face the reality that he wasnt there for me and the baby. He missed out on My pregnancy..he missed out on his sons birth,,,he has missed out on so much. I dont know how this can be repaired when the test comes back. I dont see how possibly we can move on from this because for me...its irreparable...Its something that I really cant fatham HOW to move on.
I dont hate O. I love him...Iknow some of my posts have been insane but i HAVE to love him because if ihate him then I hate part of my son and i adore my son. My son looks nothing like me at all. At first it was really hard to deal with. Here I am a blackwoman and My son looks hispanic. There is nothing in him that resembles me in any way. I felt kinda cheated..I mean 9 months to birth a child that looks the spit of his father...maybe thats Gods way of reminding Me that my son is from me regardless. If o was good enough to lay down with 11 months ago thenhe sure is good enough to be a father for my child. I learned that even at 31..a woman can make serious errors of judgement but when I look at my son. Well I love him and thats real. i have to take care of him..and thats real..and I have to make sure that he grows up to be a man that is worthy of being a man. Thankyou God for helping me to see that out of a confusing situation there is peace. thankyou for blessing me with a child that I love and helping me to see that there is some light after the darkness and thankyou for helping me find the place where I can actually forgive O without recriminations. For being able to say at this time I cant forgive him but Im ready to move on with the process of forgiveness and i have to do this so as to ensure that little o is never aware of the pain that was caused to me.
This doesnt make me a weak woman. Im not weak because I yearn to forgive O but I am strong. The Womanly Strength that I have will help me to forgive O because what he needs is forgiveness. He dodesnt have the tools to process this in a good way. he doesnt know HOW to be whole. Look at his examples...an overwhelming mother and a weak father. Little o isnt going to see that as his examples. Im going to let O be a man when it comes to his son., I want little O to see that a man CAN be a man with a womans support. I want O to know that I will never play games when it comes to his son and i will work as hard as I can to allow O to be a father to his son inspite of how i feel inside. Thats what being a woman means..

I had to add an after thought cause I sounded a little stingy. Its not that I was mad that V bought cake mix but that she didnt buy wisely. She bought tinned vegetables and tinned yams for crying out loud. I would have hoped she coulda boiled a few yams on the stove. Thats nasty. Rather than MAKE cheese sauce for macaroni and cheese...she bought velveeta...and wondered why I didnt want to eat that. I mean what would have been more honest was she said these eggs are for home and this is for the dinner. I know there aint going to be 5 dozen eggs there on thanksgiving. I think she invited people over to eat which is why shes tryin to make it over the top.
The other thing is that she always asks for money . ALWAYS. One of the things I cant stand about her is she asks to borrow a couple of dollars all the time. she makes me feel uncomfortable when it comes to my money. I dont like her seeing what I have because I know in her mind shes jealous. My crib is not hooked up. In fact its broke down tome but I have no intention of staying in this town. Why am I going to buy all this stufff to do what I did before? I gave it all away. Anyways Id rather buy mykids nice clothes and have them look together than buy 100 little things for my crib when 1) Its not my crib 2, Im planning on leaving and 3 I dont wanna.
Anyways that was the additional ps for the blog.

So here I am at nearly 3am in the morning updating this thing. So today me and my girl went to get thanksgiving. I gave her $50 and she was going for the other half. I like v but she can be a little overpowering for me. Shes loud and can be obnoxious and frankly its annoying. So we went over to MArshalls to look for a coat for Me. I get kinda obsessed over stuff and for the past few weeks Ive been promising to buy myself a coat. Ive been fixated on buying babyphat and I saw a really niceleather for $144 but I didnt buy it. We went to some pimp store...well thats not what it was but thats what I cal it. Its the typical required dress store in the hood with crappy suits and hats. if the shop has blue hats then you need to leave. She made me sit there for the longest. nene was fine but still it was a crazy boring store. There was this crazy little dog who was eating this toy teddy bear. It could have been my baby it was chewing up. What kind of people give their dog a cuddly toy to bite up..anyways so we ended up at Walmarts and then v really took liberties. she was wandering up and down the aisle for ages with no direction. She got this huge ass bag of sugar and I thought it was unneccessary. In fact I was pretty pissed with her entire shopping..I mean I threw in for thanksgiving..not for her shopping and it was clear that she was buying stuff to take her through the month and that werent cool. After all..did you need 5 dozen eggs? She bought 3 cake mixes. That pissed me off cause she there eating my food and thats not cool. she doesnt get me at all. I cant wait till i move outta here and I can do what the fuckI wanna do. No doubt she was there for me when I was pregnant and I couldnt have done it without her but she is still overbearing at times and she needs to chill.
We ended up fighting in the store. I was pissed cause my son was waiting an hour at home for me..hes lost his key....and the baby hadnt been changed. It was the first time I just told her....she there moaning about not being rushed and Im there with my nene who hadnt been changed ALL damn day. My son sitting in the cold and she moaning? Thats why I do it myself. I dont need noone. All ppl do is fuck up your shit anyways. I have her car in my garage. I was going to fix it butnow fuck it. It can stay there. Ill buy My own car.
I didnt get the paternity results yet which sucks ass. I want this shit so over. Ahh well leme go as my hands hurting.
Peace!

Last night I spoke to Rio. Ive been speaking to him for a while and he said somethings to me that really blew me away. For one I feel after all this I dont want to be in a relationship again. I feel like I have too many kids and too many issues to be with anyone and Ive been saying this for a while. I think O for me was a fantasy. he was a fantasy for me because for the first time here was a man that I really loved and I do love O very much..i just know that we wont be together. I think hes bipolar because his moods swings are extreme among other things. Anyway Rio thinks I should give him a chance. He wants me to hang out with him. I told him that Im too old for him (hes 24) and thathe needed a girl his own age but he says that he wants to know me and see where we could go. Im kinda overwhelmed because I didnt think any man would want a woman with 4 kids...and I told him what I wanted...which is just a man that willbe a man and let me be me. Im really tired fighting. I just want to be happy with my life and try to find someone that will really care about me. I dont know whats going to happen next but Im sure the future is going to be interesting. Anyways nene is crying so let me feed him and Ill try to come back later.
peace