So here I am after a weekend of hustle...i came on my period yesterday which explains the crazy moodswings and basic craziness. i cried about 10 times yesterday and thats definetly hormones...well i miss o a lot but i havent bent under thepressure...see i realise that its me that im mad at,,,o only talks the way he does to me because i let him. Had i stopped him from the start then he would never feel that he could say the stuff he does but because i have such low self esteem....i accept it.Imscared that if i let him carry on...this is going to be the blueprint for the rest of our relationship so im taking care of nene and trying to focus again and hopefully hes doing the same. Noone really knows howinsecure i am...sometimes i wish i could just vanish because i hate people looking at me..im just uncomfortable with that whole thing...to be honest i cant wait to leave this place...i threw out a bunch of stuff today and tomorrow imgoing to put more out...its time to start getting ready to leave this bum town...
Enjoy this video from youtube...its a favorite and hopefully someone will love it too.

So he finally pushed my last button....we spoke for an hour and the phone died then i called him back and he started up on me....saying i was crazy and i needed therapy...generally being mean....so enough is enough..i deleted his numbers from my phone,i deleted the email account on aol that i wrote to him from...and my yahoo profiles....its all fucking gone and then i put on Destinys Child...My Love and cried..."If I dont pick up the phone like I used to.......dont take it personal"...I mean I love him but he doesnt love me and even if he did think he loved me...he has a twisted concept of love...love to me is not hurting the other person...its easy and simple and blends..if your constantly reaffirming your love to prove your love then it aint love...if you have a preconceived idea of love and anything less isnt love then thats not l ove...
how do i know I love him...well
i want him to be happy even if its not with me.
I want him to have peace
I want him to know that love doesnt hurt and it helps.
Any other time...Id do it but this time....i cant....
sorry o....i dont have nothing left...

NYC ----We Land

This is so sad..ihavent blogged for months and thats terrible...i did this so i could remember how i felt....so much happened.
so I spent the holidays in NyC....It was the first time that id been on a plane since I came to the us in 1998 and the first time that nene was flying..so I was scared a little..the plane coming out of P-Town is very small...I knew it was small when i looked to the left and the cockpit was r ightin my face...the aisle was small and i had to bend down in order to walk through the plane comfortably!! The stewardess had to make small actions to walk t hrough the emergency plan...i was really spooked then but the entire trip to nYC went pretty well..the change at Chicago was swift and the flight from chi to NYc was an hour or so...that beats that 24 hr trip on the bus...i mean to me flying is the way to go even if its a scary experience...so i got to n yc and noone was t here t o greet me...i felt a little dissapointed and i was tripping that O decided to leave me s tranded....two years ago i had gone to nyc and the girl i was supposed to stay with had left me stranded so anyways noone was there so i got the stroller open and went down to baggage where i got my suitcase...i call O and his phone went straight to Voicemail...all i was thinking was oh hell no..not again after all I beenm through but he called me back and said he was caught in traffic so i sat and waited.

i appreciated the w ait to be honest as it gave me time to breathe and think about the trip. I was nervous cause i hadnt see O f or a year and I was feeling rather fat to be honest. I was just mad nervous...anyways after about 20 minutes...I see O coming towards us. He looked nice and was smiling...gave me and nene a kiss and said lets get a cab. It was surreal...hes holding OUR son and pulling My bag and im thinking this is it. We got in the taxi and went to Queens..to be honest i was excited to b e doing the thing at this point and so when we pulled up at his moms house...i was ready. On the ocasions that Id been there..it had been night and Id sneaked in..now i was walking in the front door with a baby to boot. Madness!! So his brother let us in..noone knew that I was coming to NYC so everyone was surprised...J was real nice to me and O went to take the baby straight to his mother.....she was sleeping....they woke her up with t he baby on her face,.....I think she screamed....i dont remember as it was all a blurr....Meting new people...assessing the environment....it was different...so Im in the bedroom meeting the granmother for the first time...wehugged and she cryed.
I have to give it to O...that was the best executed surprise ever....she will never forget that christmas 2005 for sure....so slowly everyone else comes in,..i meet the granpops...sweet guy and the younger brother..and i t w as complete!! Nene was around his puertorican/ecuadorian family and it was a memorable first day. We ate and them pulled out the sleeper sofa....we all slept on the sofa but i have to say it was awkward....for one i didnt know how to be with O and we kinda slept seperated by the baby..but that was about to change for the better....so that was the initial day in nYC. i was there for a week and i promise to write about it all cause there was some real funny shyt that happened there....
blog more later